Moms Talk: Empowering Kids to Protect Themselves

Clustered in my email inbox among offers for daily deals and my kids’ games schedules was a disturbing email blast from a diligent fellow mom.

The gist: There had been an attempted kidnapping at Beeman Park in Studio City. A letter from Carpenter Community Charter School's principal was attached in the email, making it all seem quite official and legitimate.

My first thought was, "Beeman Park! We go to Beeman Park." I thought of how while I am there watching one child on the play structure, the other runs into the fields or off to the training equipment (where technically kids are not supposed to go).

Most times I have my eyes on the kids, but when I am with another mom and we start chatting, it is more of a checking-in that occurs. It's a quick glance up from our conversation and a look around, a "Where are they now? Oh, there, I see” kind of rhythm.

After reading the email, I lamented, realizing that this level of supervision is clearly not enough. My mind started racing. My kids will be within eye contact at all times from now on, or better yet, arm's length. Or maybe we’ll just play in our yard for the rest of their lives!

The principal’s letter described what had allegedly happened. Two boys had been playing basketball and a man had asked them if they wanted to see his sleeping dog in the car. The children got away and reported the incident to one of their parents who was standing nearby. What would my kids have done? The sleeping dog thing sounded odd. I have heard of puppies being lures, or candy and ice cream. (Or maybe I just watch too many cop shows.) But my kids do love animals and candy. The whole thing was incredibly disturbing.

In Los Angeles there are not that many places that kids can experience a sense of space or physical freedom.

The beach is one place they can run, or they can take off on hikes in Griffith Park, but mostly, my kids go from the car to an enclosed space: school, a gated house and a fenced yard. The Beeman story made me think that even the little freedom they have will now have to be guarded.

I like to believe that I am raising confident and responsible kids. So this incident begs the question, how do we best talk to our kids about predators without terrifying them? How do we teach caution, but also allow them the confidence that accompanies a little freedom? As they advance in age, we want the kids to be able to feel confident that they can handle themselves, and have some independence. How do we prepare them?

I had the chance to speak with child advocate Pattie Fitzgerald, who runs Safely Ever After, a “non fearful safety program for parents and kids” in Santa Monica. Fitzgerald teaches safety workshops for kids, and parents, focusing on empowering kids so that they have the tools they need to navigate potentially threatening situations. Fitzgerald offers these tips—reprinted from Safely Ever After’s website with its permission—that she urges parents share with their young children. 

Safely Ever After's “Super Ten Play It Safe Rules for Kids and Grownups” 

1.    I am the boss of my body.

2.    I know my name, address, phone number and my parents’ names.

3.    Safe grownups don’t ask kids for help!! They go to other grownups if they need assistance.

4.    I never go anywhere or take anything from someone I don’t know.

5.    I must check first with my safe-smarts grownup for permission before I go anywhere, change my plans, or get into a car even if it’s with someone I know. If I can’t check first, then the answer is no.

6.    Everybody’s bathing suit areas are private.

7.    I don’t have to be polite, if someone makes me feel scared or uncomfortable. It’s OK to say no even to a grownup, if I have to.

8.    I don’t keep secrets especially if they make me feel scared or uneasy.

9.    If I ever get lost in a public place, I can freeze and yell or go to a mom with kids and ask for help.

10.    I will always pay attention to my special inner voice, especially if I get an “uh-oh” feeling.

I found the list incredibly helpful and just the right tone to share with my kids. Safely Ever After has a number of helpful resources on its website, in addition to information about how your community could organize a safety workshop.

Also, Fitzgerald reminded me that the old adage “don’t talk to strangers” leaves out an important aspect when speaking to kids about safety.

“Although, as parents, we worry so much about the stranger in the park, 90 percent of the time kidnapping or sexual abduction happens by someone the child knows,” she said.

In her program she stresses that what you want to teach your kids is to recognize “tricky” people, as many times people who may take advantage of children are not strangers at all.

A few days after the initial email warning, I received another email saying that the Beeman Park attempted kidnapping , that the kids had made up the story.

In spite of the fact that the incident itself was not real, it nevertheless provided a real wake-up call for me to review safety issues with my own kids.

As parents we would do anything to protect our kids. Now I know there are many ways we can empower our kids with knowledge and language in order to help them protect themselves.